From: Damien Myers [address with-held]
To: Chuff
Subject: The Five Basic Needs of Any Human

I've done some thinking recently and I came up with this. Any feedback is appreciated.

All people have five undeniable needs: sleeping, eating, shitting, fucking, and learning.

1. Sleeping - Without sleep, your brain rots in a stew of its own chemicals. A rest period is needed to maintain a functional chemical balance. Result of Abstinance: Physical fatigue, insanity, and eventual death.

2. Eating - Food is the body's fuel supply. Without this fuel, the body ceases to function. Result of Abstinance: Hunger, fatigue, headaches, and eventual death.

3. Shitting - A result of eating, fuel consumption invariably has unwanted byproducts which must be evacuated. Result of Abstinance: Ever see a septic tank overflow? The only possible result of abstaining from evacuating waste is death.

4. Fucking - A result of the brain's chemical balance. The hormones are slowly leaked into the brain, building up over time. Orgasm releases a chemical flood, neutralizing the hormones and turning other chemicals into endorphins: Nature's anti-depressant. Result of Abstinance: An uncontrollable desire for release. First stage typically involves zealous participation in or practice of "ecstatic" religions, where release is obtained through "mystic" experiences. The second stage is typified by over-aggressiveness attached to some ideology or politic. The Final Stage involves a subtle and easily overlooked case of mental deterioration involving impulse control. In the worst cases of life-long abstinence, the patient begins molesting children. There is no cure for the final stage at this time.

5. Learning - The primary human instinct is education, allowing the person to both master and control his or her environment, thus yeilding a better chance of fulfilling the other four needs. Result of Abstinance: Ignorance typically yeilds poverty, counter-productive behavioral patterns, and a marked decrease in the ability to interact successfully with the environment. Chances of early death are markedly increased.

Amazingly, in your country, these are all taboo or otherwise discouraged. "Sleep is for the lazy"; dieting and the obesity problem indicate a complete lack of competency with regards to food; you all pretend that your celebrities don't have toilets; your attitude towards sex is appalling and violent -- stage 2, perhaps? your porn would indicate so; and your educational system does everything it can to make learning painful.

How the hell do you people maintain any semblence of civilization?

Oh, right. You build global empires on the backs of your consumer-citizens, channel-changing-chattel, and soldier-slaves. But even this you do wrong: google "Oil Crash" sometime.

Oh well. As they say in that old movie, "Have fun storming the castle."

- Damien Myers, safe somewhere in Europe